this is how my life was on august 14 2009

Sometimes I just feel like no one else understands me. No one understands me. I don’t understand me. I don’t fit in. Zoe has heaps of friends. Everywhere she goes she just makes friends. Shes in America now on a double scholarship in college! Shes set for the world now. Sure she had some hard times but look at her. Look at me. I am nothing but a hard time. Ive been nothing but a pain to my familys exsistance. Anything ive ever done has either been wrong, or stupid or against the rules. I cant think. It kills me inside everyday. When I was in the car this morning with mum and dad, we were talking about todays maths exam, and how I actually felt confident and happy. i tell them I had a good day at school. I make jokes, I'm a happy, young, energetic, content , exuberant young boy....according to my parents. According to what I tell my parents. But this isn't the truth. And it feels like I'm dying because of it. I feel like I have to hide the real me. Because if I don’t, my parents will destroy their own lives to try and make me happy. and I cant let that happen. My mum just started a new business. Hartas and craig. I cant let her throw that away. Its been her dream for ages. Shes put so much time and money and effort into starting her business. And dad wouldn’t understand. He just isn't very good at these sort of problems. Hes really depressed at the moment too. He struggles to cope with each day at work beacuase of the stress. And my sister, shes in America, she flew oput yesterday. I cant let them know about the real me. Because once they find out about how depressed I am, how pathetic my life is, how worthless I am, how stupid and incompetetant I am, how I have no friends. How the only two things I ever do in my life are go to school and go sailing. Sailing is the only thing in my life that I'm passionate about. But I have no friends their. People steal my gear. All I ever do is offer to help, and in a polite way, I'm never mean to anyone, and id be more than happy to lend anything to anyone. In fact if something is broken on someones boat I go and fix it for them. Usually for free too! And yet no one cares. No one cares about me. People steal my gear, gear which is expensive. Gear which my parents have worked hard to buy for me. My crew doesn’t like me. She doesn’t like sialing with me, she doenst wnt to sail with me. But shes too polite to say so. If anyone has any problems, usually they are relationship problems, but any problems at all, I always ask about them and I always listen and try to help and offer advice and make them feel better. I'm always listening to other peoples problems and trying to help them. I'm always interested in other people and whats going on for them. I'm always the one asking the questions like, hows that new promotion working out, and did that guy stop doing that to you? And everyone always answers and their keen to tell me about themselves as human nature dictates and I'm happy to listen, I enjoy it, because whilst it doesn’t mean I have a social life, it means I can fool myself into thinking people care about me. But when I try to tell someone what I did on the weekend, they are never interested, they never ask me how it was. That partly may be because all I ever do on the weekend is either sail or do nothing. But still it would be nice to talk about my self and have someone interested and listen and ask me questions and offer me advice. But it hasn’t happened. So I have no firends, that depressing. Believe me ive tried, ive seen countless councellours etc. and nothing has worked, I just cant make friends, I don’t know why. Its always been like that. But the really depressing thing is, I'm not interesting enuf. And, if I tell my parents about the issues I have and how depressed I am and I tell them the truth, if I tell them that no, I didn’t have a very good day, or no, I'm still not confident about this exam, then they will, naturally try to help. But the problem is, they cant. No one can help me. Everyone thinks they can but they just cant. I thought of a brilliant metaphor the other day. Take a clean, crisp, blank sheet of A4 paper. Then, with a black permanent marker, colour in the entire page axcept for one tiny square, half a centimter by half a centimetre. Lewave that bit white. The page, is my life. The black, are things in my life that are wrong. The bit thats white, that is what is going well in my life. As of last week, colour that in. My father just got taken from me. We were in a car accident. And he was so badly hurt! I could see it! And he didn’t yell or cry out, he just looked me in the eye and asked for a hug. He died in that embrace... I feel so alone... im sorry that i put this here, i know its not the right place for it but, i dont know what else to do or who else to talk to... sorry